Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best part of living alone...clothing optional

   Auto correct can go straight to He'll.

   My missus said "get some of those tablets that help you get an erection", should have seen her face when I tossed her the slimming pills!

   SWAG=Secret Way Of Acting Gay.

   My car runs on gas.. Not friendship. So pay the f*ck up.

   I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.

   If someone doesn't stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it's totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.

   That cougar on the cover of Time magazine is taking' it a bit too far.

   Your proctologist called. He found your head.

   Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

   My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   ‎"Username or Password Incorrect" Couldn't you just tell me which one?

   I guess, I just don't get the whole, shaved off and drawn on eyebrow thingee women got going on.

   Telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows.

   I'm a good boyfriend..I always talk to her, play with her, touch her buttons...I definitely turn her on... I love you Xbox.

   They say that every person who enters your life makes a difference in it, my question for you is are you gonna be a scar or a beauty mark?

   I won a trip to China now am stuck here waiting to win a trip back home

   Santa loves the rich kids more.

   Fine don't text me back then. It's not like I'm obsessively checking my phone or anything.

   thinks that if you see someone healthy parking in a handicapped zone, when they exit their car, you should be able to make an honest person out of them!