Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.

   Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.

   eHarmony just matched me with a gloryhole at a truck stop outside of Billings, Montana. I think this may be the one, guys.

   "And that's why we can't have nice things." *me looking at my pay check

   I don't want to brag, but I've been told by no less than 6 women I've ruined their lives.

   or the millionth time, yes Pandora, I'm still listening. What are you my wife?

   I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It's never going to make it anywhere near that.

   A scientist claims to have 100,000 pieces of evidence that Bigfoot exists. How about one, a f#cking Bigfoot??

   gaining weight when you are still owing me money is a sign of disrespect

   10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.

   Most of my Facebook friends look better as cartoons

   Drunk driving, sniffing cocaine, smoking crack, eating p ussy, drinking on the job, rendezvous with prostitutes...All in a days work for Toronto's mayor!!

   The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.

   First rule of Vegan Club... Tell everyone.

   I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs

   Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit the propeller on the way down.

   still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk

   well how long before we see KC Royals World Series shirts on the news during an ebola segment in Africa. ...

   I wish I had kim kardashans talent of not having any talent and making money off it.

   My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.