Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I hate when I am all alone in the house then things like soda cans in the trash decide to pop and make noises! 
I do my best proofreading right after I hit send
Do you think having a fifth of Jack means something different to a cannibal?
In a new poll, 80% of Japanese women admit to having faked origami.
Patient: The problem is that obesity runs in my family. Doctor: No, the problem is no one runs in your family.
When you love someone truly and unconditionally, age, distance, bank balance, height or weight is just a damn number.
People who still call radio stations to request songs are the same people who still updates their MySpace profiles
I've been invited to a Post-Rapture looting event but I replied "Maybe attending" because I've also been invited to a Judgement Day event and I need to see how that goes before I decide for sure....
No one ever says, “It's only a game,” when their team is winning.
If you pull up to a red light and the car next is on their phone step on the gas and brake, and watch how far they go
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
The Devil came in all his glory to tempt and recruit me, realized who he was talking to, apologized, and asked me for a job application instead.
Work would be so much better if there was nap time, recess, and gym.
When moving walkways in airports warn me to watch my step because, "The walkway is coming to a end", my first thought is "I'm moving 2 mph, that is ridiculous." Then when I get to the end all I can think is "Oh crap, I better not mess this up."
On the list of things NOT to do today....play with killer whale.
How many mimes have died because no one believed they were choking..
Next year we should just skip to 2013. Problem solved and a cool story for the history books.
categorically denies all allegations......Next question
While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment.
Wanna play airport? 