Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks the best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?

   When you look, you see reflections of your yourself. When you listen, you hear echoes of yourself. If you don't like something about what you see and hear, no point in smashing the mirror, change who you are becoming.

   Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!

   A new website helps college students arrange for casual sex hookups. Don't college kids already have that? It's called Facebook.

   Bristol Palin is payed as an Abstinence Ambassador... Great, now if we can only get Charlie Sheen to speak on alcohol awareness

   Live this day as if it is your last. And if it turns out it isn't, make a great many apologies tomorrow.

   I'm tired of being dissed by automated restroom paper towel dispensers.

   The funny thing about life is, it can change your worst problem into the funniest joke. It just needs time.

   Deleting your Facebook is the new regaining your dignity.

   on tv shows whenever someone gets audited, they have a box with all of their receipts. Who has a box? I don't have a box. Should I have a box?

   "When all is said and done" It will be really quiet.

   Sometimes I wish there was a rollover plan for naps I didn't take when I was a kid

   People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that's called a Turn Signal.

   People say Cookie Monster sets a bad example and contributes to childhood obesity. Cookie Monster says people need to stop using cookie loving puppet as excuse for bad parenting.

   Those miniature bottles of alcohol at the liquor store should be free samples while you shop.

   Thanks to modern medicine, we can stay sexually active way past the age where anyone wants to see us nekkid.

   In what world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   .... The poor mother was only trying to give her son a chance at a better life ..... Then zookeepers shot his new adoptive parent.

   Not 1 trick or treater last night!!!Thanks to the roll of crime scene tape I got at a yardsale last summer......

   Pro Tip ~~ Do not make popcorn in laundromat dryers.. It really affects the flavor.