Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since I've been out of school, I've been to over 30 weddings. That's like 15 miles of the electric slide, people.

   Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

   maybe it's just me, but the term "cul-de-sac" always makes me think of a scrotum.

   loves nerds 2² ever...

   just sneezed. Thought I'd let everyone know just in case Facebook hadn't gotten around to it yet.

   Your dependence on oxygen is where our similarities end...

   My check engine light is on. Someone needs to service me.

   Happy Cinco De Drinko

   sitting upon his mighty throne, looking over his kingdom, and wearing his crown on a trobled brow. Could some one paaaaleeeeeease bring me some toilet paper.

   The best way to make an old car run better is to look at the price of a new one.

   having a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

   wants to find the just released Winnie the Pooh cookbook. Doesn't matter that he doesn't cook, he just wants to own a book called "Cooking with Pooh".

   thinks work is becoming a nice little break from Facebook.

   Now on two diets...because I was still hungry after just one.

   Joran van der Sloot arrested for murder? Wow! If only there were warning signs.

   Whenever I feel unproductive and unaccomplished, I have to remind myself that "Windows 7 was my idea." That always lifts me up a little.

   wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

   it true when the Pillsbury Dough boy bends over you see doughnuts??

   Am I the only one that when I see a "Siemens" commercial I giggle?

   Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?