Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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It is so hot, and I have typed so much, I am having to dunk my fingers in gatorade to keep them from cramping! 
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I'm not even married.
If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.
I dont talk to strangers, but I will stare and judge like I know them. Thanks for that skill grandma
Attention Club Lonely... Keep posting those deep, philosophical, pseudo, life enriching quotes on your profiles. It tells the opposite sex what a day at the amusement park you are.
I am just one step away from being very rich. All I need now is a lot of Money!
My dog and I have the best conversations when I'm drunk.
Keeping the list of naughty girls all to yourself? Well played Santa.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.........
all warm in my snuggie, well its really my bathrobe on backwards, but wtf
if this toaster thinks setting 3 is "burn to a crisp and light on fire", I don't even want to know what setting 6 does.
A bad picture of you, and your automatic response is… “Don't put that on Facebook!”
Sometimes I need what only some people can provide: Their absence.
Whenever a man wants to prove to me that he's tough, I make him fry bacon without a shirt on.
always learn from mistakes of others who took your advice
I just drank a whole pot of coffee and now I can stutter in sign language.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish" but they don't say "Beef Mammal" or "Chicken Bird?"
They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a dog getting ready to vomit. Nothing makes me jump out of bed faster than that.
Some days, I can conquer the world. Other days, it takes me three hours to convince myself to shower.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid... 