Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went for a walk on the beach with this chick I liked, and we came across this dead bird. I said, "Eew look at that dead bird!" She looked UP and said, "Where??" I didnt call her again after that. :|

   Why are the people in herpes commercials always so chipper and happy? Does the pill make them forget they have herpes?

   They should make a more honest name for 16 and Pregnant. Stupid Little Girls sounds good to me.

   Procrastination is like masturbation...if feels good while you're doing it but in the end you only f*cked yourself

   People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

   Ladies, easy way to tell if a guy is married? Look into his eyes, if there is any sign of life left, he's single.

   I can leap off tall buildings in a single bound, but only once.

   If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.

   If the waitress doesn't have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg... We left Myspace because Facebook was simple, not all flashy, & it was always changing crap... FYI... Your running a close race now... Leave an option for us to keep it simple... Thanks...

   So if Bruce/Catline Jenner goes missing, will they put the picture on a carton of Half & Half?

   I think Bruce Jenner's trying a little too hard to 'Keep Up With The Kardashians.'

   If we have learned anything lately, it's to never run from a lazy cop.

   Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?

   The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.

   I havend't heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he's okay.

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.

   Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.

   Like a good neighbor,I don't really care.

   Due to extreme weather in upstate New York, some drivers were stranded in their cars for up to 36 hours. It was intense. Some of them reported hearing that new Taylor Swift song on the radio as many as 100 times....