Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fuzzy dice.

   I prefer my kale with a silent "K"

   This is the first good sized snow fall of the season and honestly the weather on TV is acting like the terrorism threat levels just moved up a two.

   I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

   This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

   Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

   Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs? Nobody works at Walmart?

   to the people who put antlers and a red rudolph nose on your car for christmas, you can’t fool me I know that’s a car

   The night before a day off is more satisfying than the actual day off

   Why do recipes say to "preheat oven?" Shouldn't it just be "heat oven?"

   Now it's too hot out to take the Christmas lights down.

   My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

   I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.

   I love coffee, but if someone with a British accent offers me crumpets and tea, l would totally cheat.

   I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.

   "Who let the dogs out?" - [Pavlov getting annoyed]

   I’m going to write a modern Christmas song called “baby is cold outside” it’s the story of a woman arguing with her husband about the thermostat

   I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”

   I had this crazy nightmare where I actually enjoyed my job. Thank God I woke up before my boss walked in.

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.