Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boyfriend yawned during sex, but I really have to blame the dog watching us because he yawned first.

   "do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this...ever

   An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind

   My bed is so possessive. Every morning it holds me captive.

   Either way, I'm still going to be laying on the couch and watching TV all day, but if I can hear it raining outside I somehow feel a lot less lazy.

   would be unstoppable if she could just get started.

   Just imagine if we all actually became what we said we wanted to be when we grew up... The World would be full of Ninjas, Princess, Mermaids and Dragon Slayers....

   Either I am getting huge or Facebook decreased it's font size.

   thinking that Venti must be the Italian word for "you just paid an insane amount of money for a cup of coffee."

   Camping out for black friday is a fun way to prepare for your impending homelessness.

   Why does Jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the smell is gone?

   if Facebook didn't exist, I wouldn't know how many imaginary friends I have.

   If you say "That reminds me of a good story," I automatically think "This story's gonna suck."

   There's no excuse for my behavior, so I'm drinking until I have one.

   always ready, willing and able. Unless you have to move then sorry I am unavailable that day!

   If it wasn't for the fact that I had to pee, I'd never get out of bed

   its a shame that your profile picture is the only good pic you have out of the 500 albums you created.

   Send an email to a friend saying "PLEASE PLASE PLEASE Disregard previous message. Please don't read it! I love you!" It will drive them crazy!

   Good Effort! A Polite way to say "YOU SUCK!"

   Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out!