Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "A man must be Big enough to admit his mistakes, Strong enough to fix them, & Smart enough to listen to me next time!"

   Due to the politcal climate in America today, all "Target" stores will be changing their names to "Objective"

   Love is a matter of chemistry,sex is a matter of physics.

   Baldly going where no man has gone before…

   Well,today was a total waste of makeup.

   wondering if they sell over-priced bottles of water in Fiji called America?

   Gravity, is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Magnetism , Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

   I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.

   saw a man get out of his convertible at Wal-Mart yesterday, take two steps and then turn back to lock the doors. I chuckled because the top was down.

   I'm disturbed by the Activia 14-day Challenge. Why do they want a video? Proof of the giant BM after eating copious amounts of fiber for 2 weeks?!

   Google and Me, it's like we finish eachother's sentences."

   I guess running up to a squad car, screaming "shot-gun" isn't as funny as I thought it'd be?

   Beyonce's twins will never have to work a day in their life. She should name one of them Lay-Z.

   Millennials look at Joe Biden like a rotary phone is running for President.

   If you think she posts a lot of photos of her pregnancy wait until that kid arrives.

   Saying the word “awkward” in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it

   Sometimes the smartest thing you can do, is play stupid.

   Figured out who my favorite child is on the drive home today when "Thunder Struck" by AC/DC came on the radio. Child #1: What is that noise? Is something wrong with the radio? Child #2: Turn it up papa!!

   I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.

   "Omg, what a cute baby. He's adorable. Makes me want...oh never mind he's crying now bye"