Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bought one of those tennis racket looking bug zappers today. My god, where have you been all my life. What fun! Oooh, here comes the dog....

   I could probably beat Usain Bolt if we were both trying to get the last ice cream sandwich.

   Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they're dead.

   I'm so hungry I could drink 5 more beers.

   I'm single by choice. Not MY choice. But it's still a choice

   You can stop lifting weights now; it's actually your personality that nobody likes.

   if Da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20125215-00854.jpg"

   If anything the Lance Armstrong confession confirms my belief that exercise leads to deceitful behavior.

   Wouldn't it be great to hear a priest say "been there, done that" in reply to your confessed sins?

   Guys, if you are ever watching 'Indecent Proposal' and your wife or girlfriend asks: "Would you let someone sleep with me for $1,000,000?" Just lie!!

   Understanding women is easy, too: Just take calculus, multiply by quantum physics, then divide by E=mc². Also, hold them when they cry. Boom.

   I've tried everything to get to sleep. Well, except that thing where you shut off your phone and close your eyes, but let's not get crazy.

   the NFL aka No F***in Lights."

   I have a question. How is it that the man who wasn't good enough to wed your daughter, can somehow be the father of the smartest grandchildren in the world?

   How do you know if you're an attention seeking b*tch? Check your Facebook status, and if it reads something like 'having the worst day ever!" ... Bingo.

   Looks like Mother Nature is pulling Winter's Band-Aid off one hair at a time!

   Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?

   We all have that place we go to that is full of negatives and disappointment. Mine sadly is my checkbook.

   I hate how many French people play Call of Duty 4, you usually get 'host ended game' before any bullets have been fired.

   Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger... at least one of them anyway.