Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise 
baffled how I have to wake up early every day and deal with people who are unpleasant and David Carusso still has an acting job.
Has anyone checked on Tupac lately? He hasn't put out a posthumous album in quite a few years.
Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the f*ck up" be a virtue?
Make love, not war.-Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
It's whiter outside than a Pat Boone concert!
reading his friends' statuses and adding 'in bed' to the end of each one.
So far today I've accomplished absolutely nothing - maybe I should be a politician.
If I've learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it's to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
Hmmm,, How about slippers made out of Legos,, So that when you step on a Lego,, you just get taller.
I thought VH1 was showing an episode of The Golden Girls, but turns out it was an interview with Steven Tyler, David Bowie & Keith Richards.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence yesterday could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, "I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want."
The only F word out a woman's mouth that scares me is "fine."
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
Laughter is the best medicine........unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
The NAACP: Now with no artificial colors.
I came up with a plan to help people with debt, it's called "Don't buy s*it you can't afford it!"
I dream of a Kardashian-free 2016.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are among Barbara Walters' "10 most fascinating people of 2013." In a related story, Barbara has been named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2013." 