Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If TMZ doesn't follow me home from work today, I'm done wearing these ridiculous Lady Gaga costumes.

   Let's make the days count, not count the days.

   osama we found you now all we have to do is find waldo

   Sometimes I know I shouldn't......and that's exactly why I do.

   It takes me a while to warm up to new people but I will kiss a dog I just met on the mouth.

   Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.

   How to be happy on Valentines Day: Don't expect a goddamn thing from anyone.

   I don't always sing along to my favorite songs. But when I do, I sing along to the guitar solo as well.

   Why the f*ck you buy your kid an 18+ video game and then blame the video game industry for the content?

   After all the eating I have done this winter, I am happy to report my flip-flops still fit.

   My brother came over with his two young sons and I had to child-proof the entire house by closing the blinds and not answering the door.

   Cheated on my diet yesterday with a prettier, sluttier diet.

   Congratulations!!! Your software finally irritated me into upgrading it....

   I called a phone sex line for married people. It was just a long uncomfortable silence till the operator said "make it quick."

   Whenever my wife falls asleep in public I start slapping her and yelling "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!!" Then people cheer and applaud when she wakes up.

   I really don't want to interact with other human beings today if I can help it...

   If you ask me to write something down over the phone, my "pen" is just a series of "uh"s and "got it"s.

   My new girlfiend is taking FOREVER to exist.

   “I’ve never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.” R.I.P. Mr. Spock

   Oh I can't, my doctor said I should cut back on people.