Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best Buy just announced plans to lay off 600 Geek Squad employees. In response, Geek Squad employees were like, “Phew, good thing I already live with my parents.”

   Don't wear the label people give you!! They only know you're name and not your story and one day eventually some of them will end up having to kiss your ass!!

   You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

   I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong

   I've just spent the past hour chasing a daddy long legs around my house... then I realised I had a crack in my glasses.

   Please don't try my patience. I already tried it and it doesn't work.

   Instead of Red Eye Reduction on camera's why can't they make one with double chin reduction? You can put a man on the moon, but....sheesh.

   It's hard to be naked and baked without wondering why the two words don't rhyme.

   "It's complicated" just means one person is all for it and the other person is riding the line.

   Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped.

   I went to fill out an application/job interview today. When I got to: "position applying for"........... I wrote "yours" followed by a " ;-) " and a "LOL." I think I NAILED it!!

   The wife asks "Do you wanna have sex or watch Top Chef?"... Apparently "Well, what are they cooking?" was the wrong answer

   There's nothing more exhilarating than playing air guitar in your underwear...

   After spending millions in research scientist still do not know exactly how long a cotton picking minute is.

   I think 'supervision' isn't nearly as cool as it sounds...

   Everyone has that friend in the group that everyone hates but just keeps them around for the sole reason of hating him. If you think that's not the case in your group, then you're that friend.

   Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don't feel like doing.

   I think one reason they call them "Relaxed Fit" jeans is that "Ass The Size of Texas" jeans would not sell very well.

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never be as funny as those novelty shirts from Spencer's.

   I just finished watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth.