Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't be a smart cookie with a crummy attitude.

   Procrastination has it's good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.

   geting behind early so she can have plenty of time to catch up

   You know times are tough when you go trick or treating and a guy is handing out his resume

   The future of American women is being led by role models like Snooki, Lindsay Lohan, Nicki Minaj... you're totally screwed.

   If I get married I want it to be for all the right reasons, like needing health insurance and getting a tax break.

   [in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope

   Beam him up, Scotty. There is no more intelligent life down here.

   I don't speak Spanish, but I'm pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"

   BREAKING NEWS: Handsome rich man from New England forced to take 4 week vacation with Super Model Wife...Nations Weep...

   Does it ever rain on The Walking Dead???

   I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn't even lift him.

   It's hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.

   I don't think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.

   Back in the day I was attracted to this chick but never had enough guts to ask her out but after witnessing first hand the drama she creates on Facebook I am glad I dodged that bullet.

   If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail.

   I say "no thanks" to the great airfare offer from Virgin Airlines...I'd rather fly on an airline that goes all of the way.

   "Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though." - american media

   The Happy Meal at Taco Bell comes with a pair of clean underwear.

   Alright ISIS, Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. You can stop now.