Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Santa: This year instead of a gift wish list, I'm sending a list of people I would like to see disappear. Thank you.

   thinks living well may be the best revenge... but rubbing your ass all over someone's cell phone is pretty good too.

   I've been watching movies all wrong. Apparently, you're supposed to guess out loud what's going to happen next.

   I have hit the level of FB addiction that, when determining the successfulness of my day, I factor in how many 'likes' I got on my posts. Yesterday was 93. That's one I'll tell the grandchildren about some day. :-)

   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

   If you believe the competitive spirit in America is dead, you haven't been in the supermarket when the cashier opens another checkout line.

   Don't let life get in the way of your dreams... go back to sleep!

   decided it was time to leave the restroom when the guy in the stall next to me shouted "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!"

   I have been checking facebook less and less. If this continues, I'll eventually forget about all those people for the 2nd time.

   Maybe things would improve if we shipped Congress's jobs overseas too.

   At the Photography Studio: "First, we'll shoot you, then we'll blow you up, then you can go home and hang yourself."

   ~*~What? You didn't understand that? Here, let me break out the crayons and hand puppets and see if we can dumb this down enough for you...

   I drank my 8 glasses of water today. Well... 90% water anyway, there may have been some barley, hops, and yeast mixed in there for taste

   I don't get it?? How are dead people making new songs? On the radio it just said MJs new tune? It's the same with 2pac? Great skills... It's gonna be the same when I kick the bucket, I'm still gonna update Facebook

   TURKEY - Coming soon to a table near you.

   Writing. Like. This. Doesnt. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger. It. Makes. It. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma.

   Just caught my kids arguing over who loved me more...it would've been sweet but they were pushing each other and saying "you love him more"..."uh uh you love him more"...

   I didnt trip, I was testing gravity......... It still works

   So far today I made only one mistake...I GOT OUT OF BED!!!

   Beauty is only a light switch away...