Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack. 
This week we learned that you can put your troops' lives in danger, compromise your national security, and violate the Espionage Act. And the government will do nothing.
But write an editorial for your school newspaper he doesn't like - you disappear.
If they thought climate change was real, they wouldn't be vandalizing Teslas.
My wife asked if I was listening. I heard enough to be concerned.
Somebody ripped a page out of my new 2024 calendar! I'm disMayed!
Imagine telling Denmark they "don't do enough" for people in Greenland, when BOTH countries don't have means of effectively defending themselves AND YOURS DOES😂
My wife is leaving me because I tell too many Star Wars puns. Divorce is strong with her.
Wife: the dishwasher is broke. It's time to get a new one. Me: There's nothing wrong here. You look fine to me.
New research shows that the average adult forgets three things each day. The most common are Internet passwords, charging cell phones, and . . . something else, I forget.
Knowledge is knowing that hot peppers are a fruit; wisdom is putting them in a fruit salad.
As far as the music featured in the halftime show went, how about that guitarist? Oh, yeah, there wasn't one. Hey, how about that drummer and bass player? Damn. Neither of those. Hold on. That keyboard player. Wow! Wha? No keyboar
I'm gonna bake Valentine's Day cupcakes for a special someone today. That special someone is me.
Nothing owns Libs harder than day-drunk-texting top secret war plans to reporters.
“Cry harder” posts coming in 3
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I give head.
...and that is when I learned, never crank-up a belt sander while holding a cat!
I keep having this recurring nightmare. It lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
Next week is my big High school GED reunion .
I got some new underwear. Well they're new to me.
VANCE SHOULD GO TO GREENSBORO OR GREEN BAY TO SEE HOW MUCH TR*MP'S TARIFF TAX IS COSTING PEOPLE 😀
Dr fauci told people on F*x to use vitamin A & cod liver oil to prevent or cure measles. Now kids still have measles but they took so much vitamin A, hospitals are treating kids with liver damage. Funny! 😀 