Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's 23 + 44 ???

   If medicine worked you wouldn't need to refill your prescription... If food worked you wouldn't have to keep eating. Not all medicines are cures, some prevent things.

   I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work. Thankfully I was at work.

   Every single morning I get hit by the same bike. It's a vicious cycle...

   Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone. Will you call it?" 12 people called me. I need smarter friends.

   John, I have two bad news, which one do you want to hear first?" "Combine them!" "Your wife cheats us!"

   GaryKoenig is back in full force.

   Did you hear about the duck who walked into a convenience store to buy some chap stick and cashier asked cash or charge? And duck said just put it on my bill.

   I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving. And I hope you have a happy today too.

   Gas prices are so high the mailman started working from home. He called me yesterday and read my bills to me.

   I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

   Wondering, what are the aliens on the dark side of the moon doing? Seeing the sun for the first time?

   Who's the faigg with no life?

   I'd believe the asshole if he claimed his address was 6969 Bendover Ave.

   Judo is what you use to make bagels. 🥯

   The obesity problem is so bad in the U.S. that the 2 out of 3 people surveyed count as 4 out of 5!

   Before Walmart existing you would have to buy a ticket to see a bearded lady

   Sometimes you have to sit back and play the role of a fool to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you.

   I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

   He won Kentucky by 26 points then immediately disabled their tornado warning systems, leading to 18 deaths. Hahahahaha. As someone who doesn't live there, in that country I mean, I find news like this very, very entertaining and funny 😂