Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At this age my biggest fashion question or fashion rule is… Can I nap in it?

   It's not snowing!

   I can't wait to retire so I can get up at 6 and go drive around really slowly and make everyone late for work.

   There are starving kids in Africa. IHOP has a “Kids Eat Free” promotion. Just build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved

   I hate when I eat my last bite of food, not realizing it was the last bite,then immediately get sad because I wasn't able to mentally prepare myself. 🥓🍕🍔🍲😥

   Maybe we should start listening to the economists and business leaders, and not the guy who went bankrupt 6 times 😥

   ?elohssa ruoy tuo eta rehtomdnarg ruoy sa dettun reve uoy evaH ...gineoKyraG ekaf ,yeH

   I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved

   My bank just charged me money for not having enough money in the bank. Turns out I can't even afford to be broke.

   Sometimes I think about deleting all social media and living in a cabin in the woods. Then I remember I like online shopping.

   I just read that burglars use Facebook to find out when people aren't home. I'm glad I'm at home, with my pet grizzly bear, two hungry alligators, and a pack of wolves.

   I went to see a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $200. I gave her $100 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot!

   Does anyone have any cool new ideas for grifting? My net worth is actually a negative number.

   Marriage tip: When your wife says you're only coming in to get one thing, always grab a cart, because she's lying. Follow me for more marriage advice.

   I kept staring at the orange juice carton too long because it said "Concentrate"!

   Grandkids just watched Cujo for the first time. Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later?

   The notion that all these great jobs are gonna fly back to us is complete nonsense. We don't want these low paying manufacturing jobs. And the entire strategy is completely dividing this administration. WTF did I vote for? This is a disaster.

   If you get on an airplane nowadays, you're out of your mind.

   GaryKoenig, please, for the love of God STOP, you lame asshole.

   I took pregnancy while autistic so now I'm Tylenol.