Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pizzas are like dildos.. Just get a large, you'll get it all inside you eventually

   I went and inputted all my medical symptoms in on WEB MD. And it turns out I have Gary Busey .

   Tom Brady's retiring, again.

   You gotta hand it to short people. They're too small to reach it by themselves.

   Anti-VAX moms are just women who regret not aborting their kids.

   Due to lack of punch buggies on the road nowadays the new game is tesla titty twista

   Now I can't find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.

   Mary had a bearded clam-Her pubes were white as snow-And everywhere that Mary went-She'd give the boys a show.

   Anybody have a good recipe for stuffed rice? 🙃

   27% approval rating! The party is on life support lmao.

   The clocks go back this weekend. Hopefully back to when we could afford groceries.

   Ladies, do you prefer a man who may be physically imperfect but loves you unconditionally? Or do you want a guy who's nothing more than a trophy that is perched atop your fireplace?

   Someone asked me how many lbs do I think I need to lose before I get thin. I told him, "the same number of brain cells you lost to become a complete imbecile."

   I hate when cashiers feel the need to check if my money is real. If I could counterfeit money, I wouldn't be at Dollar Tree.

   My friend is an anesthesiologist at a VA hospital. They are 4 anesthesiologists short of being full-staffed. And, thanks to him, they are under a hiring freeze. So, when your favorite veteran's quadruple bypass surgery gets canceled... oh well. Thank him.

   My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men. So I asked her to sit down and be quiet. She couldn't do either.

   M*G* ....... MAKE AM*RICA GO AWAY Going viral all around the world 👍

   I don't understand why banks get upset when you can't repay a loan. You already knew I had no money when I came to borrow it.

   Hey. If owls are so smart, how come they don't say, 'whom'?

   Do Priests delivering Mass use their Altar ego ?