Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My four moods: 1. I need coffee. 2. I need a nap. 3. I need a vacation. 4. I need duct tape, rope, and a shovel.

   Kentucky Fried Tornado

   If humans are involved, the propensity for disaster exists.

   Do you suppose Ghosts believe in People??

   I just fell off a 15ft ladder getting decorations down from the attic.. good thing I was on the first step.

   With so many things coming back in style... I can't wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.

   Strangely the guy who invented the Ferris wheel and the guy who invented the Merry Go Round never met. Apparently they traveled in different circles.

   Trying to intentionally lose a game of Rock Paper Scissors is just as difficult as trying to win.

   I saw this kid dressed as Batman. He was walking around with his alive parents. What a poser.

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

   I should know better never to drink coffee after midnight as it just turns me into a real night owl whoo can't sleep.

   I was listening to Sirius XM radio yesterday, and "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is" by Chicago came on. I said, "It's 3:19." No response. No "thank you" or "I appreciate it." Nothing.

   Oh, Daylight Saving Time, why hast thou forsaken us?

   Jesus final words on Good Friday " Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday."

   Think about this: The most fun part of golf is when it's your turn to hit the ball. So why is it that the more turns you get the less fun you have?

   Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful dads out there who are killing it. This one's for you!!!

   I'm basically Superman except he has super vision and I require it

   Rabbits can jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs can run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.

   You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.

   Dang, I hope that wasn't something we needed... (me vacuuming the bedroom)