Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..... Judging by the way some women wear makeup it's rather obvious they didn't excel at coloring as a kid ....

   GERMAN. Scientist "I've created super broccoli to fight heart disease"... U.S. Scientist "I've created a way to stuff an oreo inside another oreo"

   As I admired my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I'm going to get kicked out of this Home Depot any minute now."

   Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."

   I wanna get rich enough to say to someone "nonsense, you can stay in our guest house"

   Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.

   My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"

   LinkedIn is just a dating site for people with a job right?

   you ever had a job where you would just sit on the toilet just to kill time?

   I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company's Board of Directors.

   I'm in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy

   While driving I listen to my music fairly loud until the minute I can't find something I'm looking for. Then there must be complete silence in order for me to see.

   Judging from the ads that constantly besiege us, I guess TV execs think that the only ones home watching TV during the day are injured at work, sick from a recalled medication, or unemployed with an abundance of gold jewelry.

   Nobody says “long story short” unless it's already too late…

   I never use parking meters. The "time expired" sign gives me the creeps.

   If I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day.

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

   It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts...

   The best things in life are free.... or have no interest or payments for one full year.

   Good moms let you lick the beaters...great moms turn the mixer off first!