Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shouldn't we be protesting hurricane Matthew?...tree lives matter.

   ..... This is really weird .... For some strange reason ..... every time I pick up my Cat I end up thinking about Donald Trump.

   The cemical formula for holly water: H2 OMG

   After Monday and Tuesday, even the caledar says WTF.

   One time in 6th grade me and my friend got to an Easter egg hunt early and switched all the candy in the eggs with mustard and ketchup.

   You can either be an illegal or go to college in the USA but you can't do both

   NEWS FLASH! I was hired to proof read the original 10 Commandments. Well let me tell you that I found a big mistake with #7. It should have read: Thou shalt not omit adultery.

   Man with Corona Virus seeks women with Lyme disease

   This isolation was getting to me, so yesterday I decided to go jogging. Big mistake. My thighs kept rubbing together and my legs caught on fire.

   Its friday night! Querentine facebook party going done on my wall tonight and your all invited!

   "The Statue of Liberty just turned 130 last Friday. When France first gave her to us, it was the one time that France didn't retreat..

   I'm rubber you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Ma'am, that's not how speeding tickets work.

   Thanks to Twitter, everybody with a computer and something to complain about thinks they're a modern day Che Guevara.

   What’s your favorite Nickelback song? Don’t even pretend you don’t have one or that you hate them.

   I thought 23 & me was a doumentary about Michael Jordan spending time with an old lady.

   I decided to start working out today. Practicing my jabs, hooks, and uppercuts for the day after Easter candy clearance sale!!

   The news is so fake. Trump University is still active and running stronger than ever.

   Just found a app on my new phone that tells you which of your friends and family are slightly narcissistic. Its called facebook.

   Almost Valentine's day. Don't worry if you've been dumped, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding, the oil spill killed them all

   finally, the Friday of my discontent