Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

   The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

   I miss the days when the scariest thing on TV was "The Twilight Zone" and not "The Nightly News."

   Just had a very positive experience with Verizon Customer Service. What the hell is this world coming to?

   A mouth with a sharp tongue will cut its own throat

   Before I go to sleep, I start imagining stuff that I would like to happen.

   to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I've been turned into a parrot!"

   I think it's safe to admit that my Retirement Plan consists solely of me acquiring a Time Machine and knocking Biff out in the parking lot.

   i feel like a jerk. I just laughed at a life alert commercial.

   Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.

   Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Sincerely, Elephant

   "Do you have a cell phone?" You might as well be asking me if I have a pulse.

   Getting some cans of gas to make this years homemade fireworks show more entertaining.

   Visa is everywhere you want to be…except out of debt.

   I think my memory must be made up of at least 90% song lyrics...

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   Facebook Commandment II: Thou shalt not be caught taking a photo of thyself in the bathroom mirror and posting on FB or thou shall be slapped!

   I'm not sure about you, but when someone tells me I look familiar, I immediately start to panic.

   thinks sometimes it's fun to ask someone how they are but then before they can respond say, "Anyway" and change the subject.

   when I go bowling I like to let my fingers do the walking and my balls do the talking.