Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Walking Dead could have saved a ton of money if they would have filmed in Detroit due to the fact It looks like a herd of walkers already walked through it.

   You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.

   My favorite thing about naps is that I don't have to talk to people during them

   The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.

   When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

   Anyone who's says, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", has obviously never gone through a divorce.

   Thanksgiving is almost here.Dont forget to stock up your medicine cabinet with marbles, for all your sneaky relatives.

   Afternoon drinking game: Watch Maury & take a shot anytime you hear "axed" instead of "asked".

   So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.

   I think I'll save these pain killers for when I'm feeling better.

   Women are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.

   My phone just autocorrected "Haha" to "Jaja" so I guess I'm Mexican now.

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village.... Hi,, I'm Sarah McLachlan

   I like to leave random messages like "I'm pregnant -- Call me" on random car windshields in the shopping mall parking lot.

   HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they're transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

   May the shooter's 72 virgins be all males.

   Be careful of those who pat you on the back. They might be looking for a soft spot to plant the knife.

   What if they make a movie about Leo’s life and how he couldn’t win an Oscar, and the dude who plays Leo wins an Oscar…AWKWARD!

   300 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote.?

   The only difference between McDonald's and my work is McDonald's has only got one clown running the show