Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I call my girlfriend Crisco. She thinks it means she's white and smooth. It really means she's fat in the can.

   We went to buy a Christmas tree last night. It's supposed to be fun, right? At the end of the night I was so crazy I put the tree in the backseat of the car and strapped my kid to the roof.

   there anything worse than getting interrupted during sex? Especially when you were about to achieve your big O.

   ah nuts, I accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

   Ok, I'm a Boomer. But not a Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup with cubed white meat chicken casserole Boomer.

   New Year, New Me Yeah, Right Moment: I thought I'd start wearing glasses to appear somewhat intellectual. No one's buying it though. They all say the same thing, "Uh sir, there's no glass in those frames."

   Don't forget that Saturday, February 29th is Leap Day just in case Daylight Saving Time didn't throw you off enough.

   Hello...?!?!?! Has anyone on FB noticed my desperate pleas for help and attention?! ...Anyone at all?!

   I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

   I planted some bird seeds at home so does anybody know how long it takes for the birds to grow

   Coronavirus Problem #137: How does one receive oral gratification when the other participant is wearing a mask?

   JAB, I've declared myself to be totally insane, what's your excuse. . .

   I always leave an empty roll of toilet paper on the wall so it feels neglected.

   You guys haven't lived until your forced against your own will through a v@gina head first completely naked while your dad cuts your cord.

   Some girls should be given a separate web space where domains start from 'AWWW' instead of 'WWW'

   My first potential date since my breakup was canceled due to sleep. Also, her boyfriend might have been upset.

   I'm old enough to remember when they had to put disclaimers on p0rn saying it was for "education purposes".

   why do people say something is to die for? If you die, you can't eat it...

   it is so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

   Just saw A good day to die hard" movie. and its like tthey just took the Benz logo and stuck it on every vehicle they cud find, including a tank!