Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some dude at the store was giving me googly eyes. I didn't know whether to be flattered or offended. Then I realized that I accidently went out wearing my daughters Twilight t-shirt. Whoopsie!

   Well I won the predometer challenge at work !! 70miles I did!!!woo hoo.. Prize??? 1 free Gym membership..ME!? GYM!? lol only machine I use in the Gym is the one selling Mars Bars,Crisps and Twix's !!!

   Those people that make fun of you for flinching are annoying. Of course I try to avoid getting hit in the face.

   I saw that Justin bieber has a 3 month old ...I just seen her yesterday on Ellen and she looks like she already lost all her baby fat!

   Does anyone else find it disturbing that Jerry Sandusky has an autobiography titled "Touched"?

   nothings more horrifying than when you do an early flush and then start to feel wetness.

   Never buy my grandchildren's christmas presents in november. They really seem fun...and Christmas is in more than a month...oh what the heck: I have to try them. It's party time!

   I went to my girlfriend’s funeral today..and met her parents for the first time! What a pair of miserable folks!

   first we need a "space force" then later on, there isn't alien activity at area 51

   A quick temper will make a fool of you very soon. Especially for a lot of people here.

   I cop pulled me over for talking on the phone while driving. I didn't get a ticket after I explained that it was my wife. she was doing all the talking and I wasn't really listening

   who gives a rat ass - nuttin we can do about it anyways

   * Kinky versus perverded kinky is useing a feather during sex. Perverded is useing the whole duck.

   A friend of mine drowned at the beach. The Coast Guard asked me to identify the body. I said duh, it's the Atlantic Ocean.

   What is only a small box, but weighs over 250 pounds? A scale

   I can't wait to have make up sex... I've been arguing with myself all day.

   Daffy Definition #348 Iditarod: Monica Lewinsky's autobiography.

   Halloween is over time to put up the Christmas decorations.

   My wife passed some gas. I told her it was rank. She said to treat it like aroma therapy.

   I discretely pass gas around the house just to make non of my family members have covid