Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pam Oliver looks like Oprah.

   Papa johns gonna make a killing either way when all the munches starts setting in!

   Seriously, does it really look like I want to see videos of so many losers on the Face!

   I think I'm going to take my christmas tree down today.

   So if I wasn't mesmerized enough by the leggings you were wearing that you should not have been, you top it off with icing lined lips from who knows what you ate. Well played fellow traveler. Crazy the things you see when you stop for gas and lunch.

   BTW,,,, Pinocchio's family tree is just a maple

   I am pretty excited for the newest season of "The Weather Radio" starring Steven Hawking

   I let a girl go through my phone recently, but then I threw her in my trunk.

   The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least that's what this restraining order says.

   Sorry I fake yawned when you started talking.

   How long has it been since you were not fat? - a question you can not ask a job candidate, apparently

   sitting here watching "102 Dalmations" & I wonder if Lady Gaga got her fashion sense from Cruella De Vil

   I’ve never had a safe word, but most of my partners have used distress signals.

   Sex is only 15% of a relationship unless you're not having it. Then its 0%.

   So it seems Serena Williams continues to live inside Maria Sharapova's head rent-free.

   If you watch Jaws Backwards it's really about a shark that keeps throwing people up until they finally open up a beach!

   Damned phone... I keep typing that "I need to get laid" and it keeps autocorrecting to "I need to get lard" and now people are sending me cans of Crisco. :(

   .... I was excited to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel .... till it turned out to be a train coming the other way

   When a man 'fine' he means the battle is over. When a woman says 'fine' she means she is fine with your impending death.

   People make promises all the time. I prefer to just make love.