Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The supermarket's completely out of bread and milk. What is it going to snow?

   Pro tip: If you have a cat and money is tight, bird seed is cheaper than cat food.

   90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

   What's up with Chicanos putting cheese on apple pie? Asking for a gringo. 🥧

   After a news briefing outside the white house. trump and president Macron walked away holding hands. What's up with that

   I’m feeling great. Almost feel like I can have choke sex again

   What do you call a nun with a sex change operation....... A tran-sister

   I overheard that ABC is not cancelling Roseanne but is seamlessly going to replace Roseanne with Danny Devito

   There's no place like space. There's no place like space. There's no place like space. Oh aunty Em.

   🎵Two bros, sittin' in the hot tub, 5 feet apart 'cause they're not gay!🎵

   If it wasn't intended for you to have a midnight snack. There would not be a light in the fridge.

   I'm downtown and my prescription for my glasses just ran out...now I can't find my F#$@%^ing Car..

   At the job interview today, they asked me why I left my last job. I said, "Well, the boss asked if he could see me in his office." I said, "Only if he got fired or was transferred."

   You people that are all cleaned up with the tree out of the house need to stop showing off. The rest of us are drowning in cardboard boxes and pine needles.

   I'm still hoping Nike will one day come out with an Air Jordan belt....

   If you are one, 'stop being a procrastinator' should take precedence over all other resolutions. Starting tomorrow.

   I'm a passionate man. I like some things and love others. Example: I like coming and I love leaving.

   Its one of those «Depends» mornings.... That's where you have to pee real bad and don't want to get out of bed. But if you had «Depends» on you probably wouldnt;;;;;;;

   money talks....but all mine says is good bye

   I have a feeling that I'm gonna regret not reading youtubes notification about the new policy