Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone know where I can find a Facebookers Anonymous meeting? Asking for a friend.

   Just a motivational facebook post to myself to help me be more productive today - Log Out.

   Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos?? 17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you. Me- go to your room.

   This youth group broke the number one cardinal rule of making money at a Car Wash. They let the fat chick hold the car wash sign.

   if your PC gets a virus from a porn site, is that a STD for computers?

   I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

   Godammit Rickon, zig zag you dumba$$. Didn't you watch The Apocalypse

   If you don't lose a finger or two this weekend can you really even call yourself an American.

   FBI Director James Comey: "probably hacked" .... In other news, ..... Russian universities dominate in 2016 Computer and Server Hacking Competition

   Having more RT's than likes is the social media unicorn.

   Flipping past the Bachelorette and immediately was texted by CVS letting me know my Valtrex prescription was filled.

   Life Hack: Send your boss an email that says " Suck my A$$" and you wont have to go to work the next.

   I ordered 2 pizzas from Dominoes. The order taker was not amused when I asked her for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Total.

   It wasn't until it came home with tattoos and a carton of cigarettes that I realized how bad the milk in my fridge had truly gone.

   Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.

   Show your partner you're committed to a long term relationship by not supporting them in what they do.

   Bet the guy who invented hieroglyphics was high at the time.

   Teens spend 72% of their time on their phones and 28% of their time on other people's phones.

   I don't blame the US Olympic swimmers. Every time I vandalize a gas station bathroom, I always use the "I was robbed by a Brazilian" excuse.

   Life Update: There are more empty Slurpee cups in my apartment than books.