Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Dating" is an anachronistic, nebulous means of defining a relationship. All it means is both parties are duping each other into some degree of permanency. Wait...that's marriage. I meant marriage.

   Does anyone else think that maybe the bright side could be self-conscious?

   Me: You are always so argumentative. Wife: No I'm not. Me: See?

   How dumb am I? I'm so dumb, I put a battery in a glass of water to make an energy drink.

   I've been eating Cheerios for years and never once have I felt like dancing before, during or after eating them

   Make sure you've got something of yourself left over for the ones that love you. 3 replies 65 retweets 121 likes

   I'm too smart to be happy.

   Spoiler alert. It's sour cream

   I asked my Alexa if she had any pets? who replied "I don’t have any pets. I used to have a few bugs, but they kept getting squashed"

   Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

   My Mom sent me a friend request.... BLOCKED, you not one of my lil friends remember?

   My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

   Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you Husband: well you’re here with me Me: oh yeah Husband: and we’re at a funeral

   Everyone saying the world has gone mad while pointing at each other is proof the world has gone mad.

   You buy ready made chocolate milk? Well, aren't you just some kind of titan of finance?

   5 year plan? I havent even planned this sentence volcano.

   Every time I play NBA2k, I’m deeply offended there are no short players with minimal basketball skills. How could I not be represented in a game that has nothing to do with my life?

   Haven't looked at Facebook in a while and have been doing things I don't normally do while looking at it like reading books, verbally talking to friends, noticing my surroundings and showering.

   I think politeness is important. That's why I offer my seat to a lady when I get off the bus.

   May the 4th be with you all today.