Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the police shut down the town brothel. There was a sign that read, beat it, this brothel is closed.

   Thanks I'll be here till 11, don't forget to tip your waitress she's my only ride home.

   Read rhymes with lead, and read rhymes with lead, but read and lead don’t rhyme, and neither do read and lead.

   I made a wish to feel young again. I woke up the next morning with a zit on my nose.

   Ladies, when you have an ass as fine as the north star, wise men will want to follow it.

   My sleep number is pi.

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates

   You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a house full of young kids.

   Last Halloween night while at a bus stop. I saw a priest, a nun and a prostitute pass buy. Still don't know if they were wearing a costume for Halloween or not.

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning: The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   Just got a email from a Friend Regarding Saturday Night's Halloween Party .................. "Just because you Dressed up as a Brontosaurus doesn't Mean you can Poop in my Yard and Roar at my Neighbors!"

   I've reached that Stage in Life that when a Woman whispers seductively to me to, "Give it to Her" ....................................... she means my Credit Card

   If putting a straw in a Capri Sun is evidence of my stabbing skills, I hope I'm never in a knife fight.

   All I want for Christmas is an air hockey table. It will go great with my air guitar.

   Hey ... Santa saw your Facebook pictures .... Santa saw your Facebook pictures. … Looks like you're going to be getting some clothes and a Bible for Christmas ....

   I don't understand why people buy Christmas trees just to throw them away a month later. Heck ... Do they think Christmas trees grow on trees?

   Girls just wanna have fun, guys just wanna have funds!

   [date night].. Waiter: How is everything?... Me: *whispers... Waiter: Sir?.... Wife: *sigh,, He says his carrots are touching his peas.

   Lesson learned: Never try to make pizza dough in the washing machine without first turning off the hoses. Okay. Never try to make pizza dough in the washing machine, period.