Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   Every man hopes to marry a nymphomaniac; but in many marriages, after a few years the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.

   I was pretty sure that at this point in my career, I would have henchmen by now

   Why in the hell do I have to press 1 for English and be left on hold for ten minutes to ultimately speak to someone who can't speak English…….someone please explain this….

   If the mini skirt gets any shorter...women will have two more lips to paint, two more cheeks to powder, & a little more hair to comb"

   Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.

   On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?

   We're all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell, just different devils.

   This really ugly girl asked me earlier... if I thought she was attractive. I didnt want to be mean and I also didnt want to lie. So I thought for a second and told her I thought she was "Wal-Mart Sexy".

   The only time I've ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.

   Whenever I see small children on leashes, I'm always tempted to run up, scratch their bellies, and ask “How old in human years?”

   For a lion to be a cannibal, he must first, swallow his pride.

   If I blocked you on Facebook, what makes you think I want to talk to you in real life?

   When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but when I'm busy, my phone blows up.

   Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!! Woop* Happy Friday the 13th!!

   Three things I cannot do: (1) pass up a piece of cake, (2) say "rural" and (3) open a can of biscuits without yelling when it pops.

   I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.

   Teenagers. They have been annoying me all summer long. Now they're back in school. So today on my lunch hour I drove circles around the high school laughing through a loud speaker.

   Have you ever had a conversation with someone and thought about how much better it would be if they had a personality...

   when a cop pulls you over and he tells you to get off the phone..DO NOT SAY: I gotta go honey, your husband is being a jerk. Seriously don't. ;)