Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i'm not saying i'm batman but answer me this have you ever seen me and batman in the same room?

   I just dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

   If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

   If you're reading this while camping out in front of Walmart. You're a douche bag.

   Do you ever go on Youtube just to watch a music video and then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?

   HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE: It takes 24,637 BOLTS to put a car together, but only one NUT to spread it all over the road. Don't Drink & Drive! 

   Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim, that way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing this morning.

   People who spread their germs make me sick.

   When I leave a store without buying anything all I can think is “act natural, you're innocent”.

   Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.

   how come the bus driver is the only one with a seatbelt?

   Excuse me lady in the checkout line in front of me purchasing both a box of condoms and a pregnancy test... How's your day going?

   Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don't want her to meet her competition right away.

   Driving isn't even in the top 5 things I'm thinking about when I'm driving.

   I've seen obituaries that were funnier than this crap...

   Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

   My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

   I watch Looney Tunes before I go to work, because there's something about old school cartoon violence that relaxes me

   Thank god for smartphones I was getting tired or reading the back of shampoo bottles while in the bathroom

   SCARIEST THING EVER: Flushing a toilet & seeing the water coming up instead of going down