Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 549 of 6385
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins! Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
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07-10-2020 08:44
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You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table.
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07-14-2020 07:57
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[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
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07-14-2020 15:18
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If I ever choke to death on Gummy Bears, please make sure it goes on record that I was killed by Bears.
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07-16-2020 14:36
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I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you
My wife finally broke our dog begging at the table. She let him taste her cooking.
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10-22-2017 15:46
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As a high school student, I think I was bitten by a radioactive sloth
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01-10-2018 17:55
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My shrink keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects. But what does he know? He's a lamp.
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01-16-2018 08:23
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I once was brave enough to shave my privates with a straight razor. But now I don't have the balls to do it again.
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01-18-2018 21:25 by JAKE
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My ex told me to get some of those tablets that should help me get an erection.........should have seen her face when I tossed her the slimming pills
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01-20-2018 04:06
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Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?
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01-30-2018 06:59
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I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
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02-06-2018 04:05
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I want to start a support organization for pets that are forced to be emotional supports for humans
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02-11-2018 22:01
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If dentist make money from people with bad teeth. Why should we use a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 of them reconmend?
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02-13-2018 16:18 by Jake
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I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.
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02-14-2018 16:45 by MDS
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Money may not buy happiness. But it take the sting out of being miserable.
The self checkout line was invented for a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
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02-21-2018 22:33 by Austin
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A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
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02-25-2018 13:10 by MDS
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When I found out that the sperm bank paid for donations. I realised that I had let a fortune slip through my fingers.
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03-05-2018 23:41 by Jake
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Wild horses could not drag me away from this lasagna dinner because they lack opposible thumbs and organizational skills
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03-06-2018 12:20
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