Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now pretend I said that sarcastically and read it again.

   I have serious problems with intimacy and first impressions and friendships and strangers and everything else.

   Netflix removed my 3 year old's favorite movie. THE APOCALYPSE IS NOW!!!

   Apparently calling your wife, who thinks you're at work, while you're standing outside the living room window and asking "have you seen any clowns outside" isn't very funny.

   Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go Work is an invention of lucifer himself

   I only drink on days with a "T" Tuesday, Thursday and Today

   Life is short..... Unless you're married

   Good morning to everyone except if your name starts with S, just like my ex’s.

   So whats are you all doing tonight? - Using social networking for what its intended for.

   My bar buddy ask me have you ever made a decison without knowing all the facts? I said I sure have....... I got married.

   I love you more then a click of your like buttons.

   “Did you just walk past my house, you piece of sheet?” - dogs

   If one despises losers, and one is a loser. Does that loser despise them self ?

   I'm working hard to become free... I'm over half way through my Halloween candy already.

   I left the FrisbeeIsm cult. They just used circular reasoning.

   So do we all have the same automatic spell checker? Or am I his only Facebook friend?

   On new year's eve, tonight while counting down the last 10 seconds, Lift yout left leg so you start the new year out on the right foot, making all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions! Happy new years guys! Be safe, please. 😘

   All this beer drinking I do gives me a hangover. It's really noticeable when I stand sideways.

   So PETA is putting down pet cats and recruiting hot babes to protest naked...I guess I need to take the protest against them to a new level.

   To the people who have smoke alarms: Where’s your sense of adventure?