Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Throwing out a stale donut today. Please respect my privacy at this very difficult time.

   I wonder what our parents did for fun before the internet.. I asked my 16 brothers and sisters, but none of them know .. weird !

   I think Suge Knight pays someone to shoot him before the VMAs so he doesn't have to sit through them

   I'd take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.

   Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, and where did he get the idea?

   There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.

   Pro Tip: When having sex on the first date, ALWAYS say "I've never done this" so your partner knows you're a compulsive liar as well.

   " I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!

   So glad Facebook has changed the layout again!! - Said no one, ever...

   I gave up on everyone, don't make this about you.

   Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.

   Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you're under oath

   I'm thankful for the people who have the make of their car across their windshield, I've always wondered who made your '97 Civic

   The good thing about a cell phone is you can be reached wherever you are....the bad think about a cell phone is you can be reached wherever you are.

   Have you tried sitting on the bench? - my life coach

   Maybe my parents never told me how proud they were of me because they didn't have Facebook back then?

   I enjoy having a full length mirror facing my bed so I can see all the sex I'm not having.

   Can't wait for the storage wars episode where they find dead bodies,,,

   You just know the aliens' cell phones are going to be nicer than ours.

   Being a nice person is so exhausting, which is why a$$holes always have so much energy.