Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won't notice, but, buy a new phone case...

   can we now bring Casey Anthony to Arizona please, I like their system

   Ladies you don't sing better in the shower. It still sounds like sh*t, but you're naked so we tolerate it.

   Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

   During this very personal moment in thier lives, Kim and Kanye ask that you honor their request for extra publicity...

   "Its not you,, Its me."--- Twins going through a photo album

   Practicing my "Eye Rolling" cause you know... tomorrow's Monday.

   What's with these people on facebook who never particpate on your page at all, yet act all weird when you decline attending their $tupid event?

   Well, it's almost time to show up late for something else.

   I'm always on my ''Best'' Behaviour...It just so happens my Best Behaviour isn't very good!!

   To the additional pot that was on the stove after I thought I was done washing the dishes, I hate your stinkin' guts.

   Kanye West 'hospitalised in Los Angeles'. Our thoughts and prayers go out at this difficult time to the hospital staff.

   If I post something that you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore the corruption of the government.

   Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they're either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

   Driving to work would be so much better if I didn't always end up at work.

   The only thing I hate more than people who make fun of other people is people who don't laugh when I do it.

   You post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.

   Remembering how easy life was in kindergarten. As long as you had the biggest box of crayons and the coolest lunch box you ruled the school......

   Me, walking: "Pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way!" Me, driving: "LOOK OUT FOR CARS, freakin idiots."

   I don't care how bad I have to go, I will hold it until I'm clocked back in after lunch. If I have to be here, you WILL pay me to use the bathroom.