Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hear Bart was arrested for dropping a piano on his dad. A case of attempted Homer-cide.

   I can't find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.

   Technically, you can pick your friend's nose. Probably only once, tho...

   when I am in a store I always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

   The plastic surgeon was quoting patients who had his scrotal enlargement procedure. Yes, they were testi-monials.

   "If during your medical exam your doctor says I need to google this...... It's time to get a new doctor."

   I’ve never had a Popeyes chicken sandwich, but I do enjoyed a little Olive Oyl!

   You know you're fat when your dog lays down in your shaddow on hot sunny days.

   My girlfriend doesn't understand why her Facebook friends don't recognize her in public, which might be because she takes a hundred selfies and posts the best one knowing that she looks like the other 99

   Don't be sad if you're alone on Saint Valentine's Day as it could be worse like how it turned out for poor Saint Valentine who for the love of a woman was imprisoned then beat to death with clubs.

   Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

   I hate when I request a song on the radio then realize I pronounced the artist's name wrong because the artists parents didn't know how to spell it.

   There’s too much 3-D going on in theaters today. I miss 2-D. And come to think of it, I also miss Tootie from “The Facts of Life.”

   My wife and I do it Doggie Style: I sit up and beg then she rolls over and plays dead.

   Forget the stocks. What's the market looking like on truck stop blowjobs? Competition is through the roof.

   Virus Tip - If you run out of toilet paper, just spray Pam between your butt cheeks and poop won't stick. Don't ask how I know this...

   If some of Ya'll streaming NetFlix in 4K 16 hours a day could leave us a little Bandwidth that'd be Great !

   At least all this money printing from the Fed will solve the toilet paper shortage

   Calling occupents of interplannetary craft ..

   Men try role reversal in bed, and you have a headache for once.