Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wow....iPhone 7 is making odd hissing sounds. Tech experts say sounds are caused by electromagnetic effects, while I think it's just Siri farting.

   A hangover is just the body's special way of telling you ... your an idiot.

   If you start quoting The Bible to me, I'll assume the exorcism has begun.

   Amazing how much sex you don't get when you wear a denim shirt.

   I used to roll out of bed asleep a lot until I found Viagra

   Owning a cat seems like a really satisfying Instagram experience.

   For Halloween I'm going to go as a normal person with no mask since that seems to scare the sh*t out of everyone🎃 🤔💪😜🇨🇦🇺🇸

   Columbus Day is one thing, but I'm still upset about my personal holiday. No, not my Birthday. I'm talking about Fat Tuesday. 😛

   If you think a college education isn't worth the money, I'm here to tell you that whenever I say something stupid, I can get out of trouble by saying, "Sorry, I was an art major."

   Just because you have a guitar, Christmas outfit and the Christmas tree doesn't necessarily mean you have the talent to sing on Facebook.

   My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

   Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

   ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

   I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

   My favorite thing is a woman who sticks our her b00bs in every timeline pic, then goes nuts when a guy messages her.

   Men are so weak this days. Girls gotta date like 3 guys to make a full man.

   To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue in their yard........ can you remove them? Every time I pass, I think it's the cops and I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, h

   car salesman: and I'm 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha me: ok phew haha *muffled screaming* car salesman: 100%

   ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it? ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

   Tried a Walmart pizza for the first time tonight and after biting into it I thought I accidentally cooked it with the cardboard they package them in, but it was just the pizza.