Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my defence, he didn't accept the breath mint when I offered it

   Fate has it's tricky ways of throwing something in front of you that you never expected.

   Can't wait to see the look on my doctors face when he walks in the room and I'm already bent over the exam table!!!

   My wife takes forever to get ready when we are going out for the evening. I swear, there are glaciers that move faster.

   Okay Instagram... You deactivated Rihanna's account? I want my money back.

   A Rape Whistle.....But for unwanted conversation.

   I need help programing my dvr to skip news and record the commercials.

   If I wind up looking anything like Peter Pan with a hammer, I'd run like the bloody wind.

   Your profile pic is good in bed.

   I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy's house, with a gas can and a lighter because he didn't respond to my text.

   Played with fire and caught the feelings. Stupid feelings.

   Love is when two intelligent minds come together and become dumb.

   Rosalind Franklin discovered the DNA double helix, not James Watson. That's why he's still alive.

   [job interview] "So tell me something about yourself" I'm on medication

   I stole every word of this status from a dictionary.

   Hernandez just found guilty ..he wont be getting 40 million for that tight end ever again ...

   She lost me at,"Mayweather."

   I have now Been Sober for 281 days.! not all in a row, Just 281 days

   [restaurant] *chef slams block of cheese down on plate... Me: But… Chef: Look, This is the best cheese in the world. It doesn't get any grater

   I wonder what hamsters would type on a keyboard: Free me from this prison that is my life.