Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey we snowed in today, break out the corny jokees

   I'm single by choice...Not my choice, but it's still a choice.

   Every time it hurts when I pee I think of you. - coming up with romantic valentine's day message is hard you guys.

   I had to go on a second diet. The first one wasn't giving me enough food.

   When Valentine's day is round the corner, all Forever alone people start enumerating the benefits of being single.

   I have a problem with pain pills, I can't find them anywhere!

   jeezo ya thick tit, can ya not make the connection between american football and rugby?? ya eejit....

   Be careful how many sticks and stones you throw at others because some are skilled at building catapults.

   I'm not lazy, I'm just laying like this until planking makes a comeback.

   To those who have recently unfriended me on Facebook, Kudos to you for uncovering the fact that our friendshipwas just a ploy to have sex with your sister.

   Yes I am that one ex she doesn't want the world to know she ever dated.

   Just woke up and can't go back to bed. I turn on the TV looking to maybe find something to watch. My choices are Baggage, 7 days of Sex, Sex Sent Me to the ER, The Real World:Ex-plosion, and Hannah Montana. Wondering if Miley Cyrus is staring in all of th

   when i'm real stressed i'll scream into a pillow, but I have a memory foam pillow and while I sleep it remembers

   If a woman doesn't a have a fb profile pic...better you should spend 6 hours with your face buried in Governor Christie's a$$, than a half hour with her on a dinner date.

   Guys I think we need to go out more coz we are running out of material here for crying out loud!!

   You deserve an Oscar for your portrayal of someone pretending to be in a relationship!

   Dear spouse: When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by...

   Women are experts at knowing what you really meant.

   I'm that person who forgets to wish someone a happy birthday on Facebook but waits til they thank everyone in a post and my comment is always, " You're welcome, let's do it again same time and place next year"

   Looking for hot women on the TV show "Jeopardy". Uh,..nope. Not today.