Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How much for this brick of gold? Sir, that's a block of cheese.

   I like to buy someone a birthday gift at CVS so then I can make a ribbon out of the receipt ‪#‎recycle‬

   Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?

   You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...

   My favote colleges are Ball State and Bring 'em Young.

   I had walked a mile in your shoes before I realized that we don't wear the same size.

   I wish Twitter would stop recommending that I follow "One Direction." Do they think I wear capri pants or something?

   I got to hand it to short people... sometimes they just can't reach it.

   I bet the guy working at the laundromat never has to break a hundred.

   Dear Curiosity: Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. -The Cat

   Do Canadians call the middle of Canada the midnorth??

   The trick is to not let people know how really weird you are until it’s too late for them to back out.

   Buying someone $1 lottery ticket as a gift and tell them ..."but what if you win".... and look at them light up, while hiding the fact giving them a dollar says they are not worth it!

   "MERRY CHRITHMITH MY ATH!" ~ The kid in the Christmas song that didn't get her two front teeth.

   Am I the only person who will admit to intentionally peeing outside when it is cold just because I think it is neat to watch the steam rise?

   I was gonna have sex with you until you said you follow Justin Bieber on twitter.

   i am not getting any invites lately about any farm, fish, park, mafia or candy crush hope the people who are playing them are all ok ...

   Omaha just changed its name to East Seattle.

   Congrats to Peyton Manning for putting the "O" in "Omaha"...Like 29 to "O"!

   went undrafted again, despite a solid 40 and great hands!!