Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember when using “protection” meant wearing your helmet?

   I wrote a joke about the short duration of cocaine, in fact the joke itself is a one-liner.

   If you think you're alone and nobody notices you, try not paying your bills.

   Dear boys, the whole 'speed-by-girls-in-my-noisy-truck-and-impress-them' doesn't really work...but, then again you probably didn't need to hear that from me did you?

   If actions speak louder than words, why can't I hear mimes?

   I may not have the gift to grant your wishes, but until then, I'll make your dreams come true.

   When it comes to guns and condoms- it's better to have them and not need them than to need them and not have them. Be safe FB friends... Be safe

   "My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at" wrong people. :)

   I don't know if I need to close one eye and fart, or sh-t and go blind

   Well, I've never had a hot carl before, but I certainly came close watching the State of the Union

   Keeping a roll of Oreos down the front of your pants assures your blind date will be pleasantly surprised when you open your zipper.

   I've stalked you recently because I couldn't find someone better.

   This old couple kept staing at me while I was eating my ice cream cone so when I finished, I ate the napkin too!

   if you don't want me to stare at your breasts, you shouldn't have such nice ones.

   It may be the Japanese wine talking but...私は酔ってる

   Sarah Palin as a TV court judge, that'll be a laugh a minute cuz she doesn't have a law degree.

   The past two weeks I've eaten nothing but fiber rich foods. Fiber, fiber, fiber. So anyway, this morning I go to use the bathroom and...well, let's just say I'm the proud owner of a brand new wicker coffee table.

   If Mark Hamill doesn't enter the room and shout "It's Hamill Time!",, In this next movie,, I'm gonna be dissapionted

   Your girlfriend could be dumb as anything but the minute you start arguing with her she'll turn into a lawyer with a degree from Cambridge

   Relationship status: ▫️Single ▫️In a relationship ▫️Married ▫️Engaged ▫️Divorced ▪️Waiting for a miracle ✔️