Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever

   This ceiling fan I have at home has 3 speeds: 1) barely moves, 2) slow as a snail, 3) about to fly and kill someone!!

   One time I lost my phone for 6 days, so I feel your struggle Malaysia

   Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.

   I called the surgery this morning to book an appointment for my annual check up. I just hope the receptionist can spell!!!

   Don't forget to support your local liquor store today!

   If you don't mind I use duct tape. I'm giving free bikini waxes.

   Just because I'm a lady doesn't mean I don't deserve to break someone's nose before I die.

   I just sneezed alcohol onto a candle and started a fire.

   Do you think America will get so LAZY that we will have "Spray on pants."

   i really don"t need to know that you liked your own status...

   Why do people write on dead peoples Facebook walls? I don't get it.

   Made a deposit at the Sperm Bank....sadly, it's earning no interest.

   My Wife is pissed off at me for being such glutton. I think she must be glutton intolerant.

   Funny how the greatest threat to a human being's life on earth can be traced right back to a fellow human being.

   Its okay Pluto, I'm not a planet either.

   Did I just say that out loud?" No, dumbass, you just thought about it and we heard.

   I've been celibate for so long all I have now is a bladder release valve!

   to those actresses who say they won't do nudity if it isn't important to the plot, they should do porn... there nudity IS the plot!

   Everyone google "Tulsa Tower Guy" He's a crazy naked black guy that climbed this 300ft tower 6 days ago and they can't get him down!