Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You seem like a nice person, are you lost?

   If I like your posted music vids ..99.9 % I never watched it..Sorry I can not lie...

   Hit the hay. Kick the straw. Bodyslam the alfalfa.

   If you don’t use steroids in the state of Florida, how the hell are you supposed to fight off the escaped pythons?

   Avoiding responsibility one bottle of vodka at a time.

   Me as a doctor: Hey, I get paid whether you can maintain an erection or not buddy. Next!

   Hold on.. Lemme find a pic of me with my clothes on.

   You have 200 pictures of only your face? You must be sooooo thin.

   >>> Upset many will leave the home to go to a retail store where they can fight with complete strangers over unneeded and useless crap that our spoiled lives really didn't need in the first place.

   I heard you have trust issues. That's nice. Get in the damn van.

   I think The Grinch and Oscar the Grouch were seperated at birth.

   My wife likes it when I call her during the day just say hi so I'm face-timing her from the mens room!

   Why do these guys with premature ejaculation problems just come out of nowhere.

   Woke up - no Christmas gifts. I guess we all know which list Santa put me on.

   Money is not yours until you spend it.

   I can't believe Walmart already has Valentine's Day stuff out. which reminds me.. I need to lose my girlfriend soon

   We all have that one friend we used to do all sorts of crazy stuff with but they suddenly flipped the script and became a born again Christian and now feel awkward hanging out with them because we don’t know what to talk about.

   When are they gonna start smoking marijuana?

   Only Peyton can still set Super Bowl record while team is behind a hundred points

   I know how the North won the Civil War - They used snow machines....