Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Space ISIS is coming after us!

   There are 3 unwritten rules fop a good life. #1.........................#2........................ #3.........................

   Moving is so fun, finally found this chloroform, hey does it taste expired to y....

   Going to the Guns 'n Roses concert tonight. I hope the noise doesn't give me cancer tonight.

   In another stunning reversal, Trump announced today that the chocolate cake he was served while bombing Syria was "average, at best."

   Kim Jong Un is fat! It's not because it runs in his family. He's fat because nobody runs in his family.

   I didn't know why everyone was making such a big deal about LGBT. I've been putting guacamole on my BLT for a long time now. I have now problems with it.

   Why are there so many old, retired men in church? They're cramming for the final.

   Going to war for Syria is like jumping into a swimming pool while you're wearing an expensive suit to save the kid who bullied you.

   You know you have been married too long when the only heavy breathing going on in the bedroom is when someone uses the exercise equipment.

   Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" quickly became a feminist anthem for women. Probably because it's really upbeat and fun to do the hoovering to

   BBM = another attention seeking part of social media where ppl follow and not talk to eachother!

   If you want guys to get involved in causes, give them some motivation.... "This year's united way 5k includes a BJ from a stripper"

   I forgot my sweater today and now everyone can see how cold I am.

   Call her Princess. B*tches love being addressed as royalty.

   Fathers day + My Birthday.. now thats what I call Sonday

   There's no such thing as hot lesbians. They're just chicks who had too much to drink.

   Just turned on the NBA game on the "Spur" of the moment.

   I believe I'm now at the age where wishing for something really hard and pooping your pants is pretty much the same thing ツ

   I have heard I said that women are the fairer sex ... that has not been my experience.