Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *looks at calendar*.. *looks at stomach*. *looks at calendar*.. Guess I'm telling people I'm pregnant again this Christmas.

   If action movies have taught me anything, its that when you defeat your enemy, don’t leave them half dead as they are guaranteed to rise again and strike you when you least expect it. Instead totally obliterate them into oblivion like they never even ex

   Why is it that a lot of the people who think everyone is too easily offended these days act like you just insulted their mother by saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"?

   There are countless ways of attaining greatness, but any road to reaching one's maximum potential must be built on a bedrock of respect for the individual, a commitment to excellence, and a rejection of mediocrity."

   The olympics... the only time where you can be a male swimmer and we won't think you're gay.

   Considering my balance, my credit card has the best theft detection ever. It just says declined no matter what you try to buy.

   Why does Cheaters need a camera crew of 600?

   One of my buddies on facebook "liked" the movie 8 seconds. It said on facebook that "Dave likes 8 seconds." I bet his wife doesn't.

   destructive forces have hit the Gulf Coast! Oh, and a hurricane sweeped by.

   Free slurpee day at 7/11. You're welcome.

   At some point we will have to get our clothes on and use our mouths for eating food.

   Miley you just broke my heart... my achy breaky heart.

   I went to my annual visit to the dentist. 3 lost teeth and blood everywhere. But at the same time, because he really hurted me, he deserved it.

   I don't get the whole "half baked idea" thing....I prefer to be fully baked when I come up with my ideas.

   I joined the Adopt-a-Highway program, I got the road to now where....

   Those people that put up Halloween decorations way too early deserve it when they blow away in the wind today.

   If your significant other doesn't reply to your text within 5 minutes, they're out cheating on you.

   I have come to the conclusion that you can post almost anything on Facebook and most people will automatically assume it to be factual. The odds of this are increased if the post is witty and is accompanied by a cute picture.

   Buses are just limos for poor people.

   Damn! It's finally beer thirty! See you f uckers Monday!!