Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   @nal is completely unnatural...unless I'm doing it to a girl.

   My wife is so hot, I really hope I get to have sex with her someday

   Never hold your nose and cover your mouth while sneezing as it can blow out your eyeballs.

   "I'm still writing 2012 on all my Czechs." -Guy who likes writing on people from Central Europe

   9 year old girl in boys football league with 232 carries, ran for 1,911 yards, 35 tds, and 65 tackles?! WTF?! Young lady is an inspiration!!! Never let society limit your dreams!!!

   My friend wanted to use my apartment to clone himself,,, I said “Please, make yourself at home”

   John Travolta's closet is full of dild0s, skeletons, and himself.

   I eat every meal like I'm going to be deported to Africa the next day or something.

   I'm so old that my pronouns are Thee and Thou.

   The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

   Sean Hannity debating Ted Koppel about real journalism is like a 5-year-old debating his dad about the rules of the house.

   Don't you hate people who throws their own son under the bus?

   Apply NRA Logic To Anything: My best friend's cat would have been alive if he'd been able to defend himself against quantum mechanics.

   Filled the tank up with petrol today. Now all the fish are dead.

   I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath. Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

   I can't believe so many Americans from the Bible Belt plan to vote for Trump. If he gets to build his wall, he'll be keeping Jesus out of the country.

   Judging people by their race and sex is wrong. I wish you priveledged white men would get that!

   President Trump's Favorite KFC Meal: The Suckers Bucket.

   Donald Trump's still calling the Iran deal the worst deal he's ever witnessed. Was he not there when he signed for his casinos & airline?

   Who needs a TV reality show when you have the GOP civil war to look forward to?