Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.

   just cracked open a book or as I like to call it "a beer"

   Please enjoy my TED Talk, "Turn Signals: They're How You Tell Other Drivers What the Heck You're Doing"

   Cuddling, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets an erection....

   In my defense your honor. She enjoyed the time she spent in my basement.

   I like to believe that somewhere out there the British Lindsay Lohan (from the Parent Trap movie) has managed to live a more stable life.

   Hillary Clinton says she tries not to miss Reruns of 'Grey's Anatomy.' Bill said, 'I watched it once. Not enough anatomy.'"

   Indians seem to always have a Discount. I asked Rajesh what time is it? He replied, " Its 3 O'clock my friend but for you I will make it 2.30".

   My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, "urinate out of ten."

   have you ever sat thru an entire light at a intersection cause you were too busy looking at your phone?....me neither

   Due to the recent debate over public restrooms from this day forth, all the toilets in the kingdom shall be known as... Pats!

   You can tell kids you're friends with Donald Trump, they don't know.

   I've finally come to grips with the fact I'm old. My family held an outdoor birthday party for me, and when they lit the candles, the Girl Scouts appeared out of nowhere, circled the cake, and began to sing Kum Ba Yah.

   This election is like choosing how you want to be killed. Sir, here are your two choices. Do you want to be killed with a Hillary or a Donald?

   Revenge is a dish best served on the dance floor.

   I'm glad that Christmas is over so I don't have to see that no talent ass clown who became famous and started winning Grammys on Honda commercials anymore!

   There's no crying in Vodka

   Highway slumber party tonight in Atlanta, free urinal and feces bucket..

   First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.

   When I was growing up we didn't have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear.