Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Seriously someone has to teach Cupid how to shoot straight

   if being apathetic is wrong, then I don't care...

   Fruit snacks should just be sold in buckets, to hell with these little packets.

   Remember when people would literally get mad at you if you didn't put them in your top 8 friends on Myspace?

   On Thanksgiving, I always like to pretend, as I'm driving down empty roads and parking lots, that I lived through a zombie apocalypse.

   Our parents would tell us when they were young they had to walk to school uphill both ways! Nowadays I tell my kids when I was young I used to play outside!

   "Bacon is meat candy."

   snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap

   Santa calls me a Ho three times when he sees me. Like he knows me or somethin...

   wishes I had a stunt double to get me through the rest of this day.

   If you assign numerical values to each letter of the alphabet, in order, (A=1 and Z=26) you will find that hard work gives you 98%, but bullsh!t gives you 103%. Math does not lie.

   Today I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed "Why is there." Yahoo gave me "Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball" and Google gave me "Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn." Google wins yet again

   Dad, this Father's Day, allow me to point out that none of my messes cost 20 billion dollars to clean up.

   - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste!

   It feels like my entire generation can be summed up in six words from a Nirvana song: Here we are now, entertain us.

   Its taken me 20 some odd years to figure out who was the favorite child, until I went to my moms basement last week and found a box labled Sean's bath toys- It was a radio and toaster..

   Don't be Jealous of Me... If you had to walk a mile in my shoes you'd probably need year of therapy.

   Before you judge people, make sure you're better than them, or at least you're not one of them.

   I can't hear you, so I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question

   I see flies everywhere but the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.